Sorry, I can’t help you


How can I help you, when I have not figured out how to help myself?
I realize that words mean nothing, only actions. And I can see my actions are an attempt to reach a goal, to actualize a perception.
I now see that I am on a stationary bike, but thinking if I just pedal faster, I will get there.
You see, I have no words of wisdom or inspiration for you. I am just one human being doing a lot of exercise in a stationary position. Unless I get off of this bike, and actually go outside and live-breathe this life, I have only created a false reality for myself.
So I ask you to be patient with me. May I be patient with myself. I know that I have the right intention, but I struggle to break from my illusions.
My whole life, I have trained myself to be goal oriented. If anything needed to be accomplished, I would put 110% effort into it until I reached my goal.
In my Buddhist studies, I see this as one of my road blocks. The harder I try, the shorter I fall. This is so contrary to what I have always believed. I have asked myself, why this is. I believe now, it is because I have always had an untrained mind. My mind has always functioned based on intellectual ideas and concepts. More importantly, the perception of who “I” am. I would love to tell you at this point that there is no “I”, because I will sound very enlightened! But I truly have not let go of “I” by any stretch of the imagination. I probably see more of how everything is about me than ever before. I want to be a good person, I want to do the right thing, I want to have a positive effect on others, I want to control how I see things. Holy smokes, there is a lot of “I” going on!
I think this is my stationary bike. I’m putting in the effort, I’m working up a good sweat, but I’m getting nowhere.
I think it’s time I get off the bike and go for a walk.

May you all be well, happy and peaceful