Last night, I awoke in a panic. Suddenly without warning I was overcome with anxiety, hurt, anger, fear and rage.
I had been sleeping peacefully, and had a very good meditation before bed. So I found this particularly disturbing.
I had a very hard time falling back to sleep again, but I finally did.
This morning I am wondering if somehow I am not being completely open and honest with myself in meditation. I wonder how many of you also may just be smoothing things over in your mind by repeating “I am well, happy and peaceful”. Are we in some way performing self hypnosis or brain washing?
Perhaps we are, and perhaps that is what’s needed to start most of us on the right path.
But for me personally, I see the need to go deeper right now. I believe that in order to conquer my demons, I must confront them face to face.
However, it would seem that I am not ready to fully forgive myself or forgive others at this time. I only come to this conclusion based on waking with such pains in my chest and horrendous anxiety.
So the question is, how do I reach this deeper awareness. I know that it is only by reaching this deep place of truth, that true forgiveness begins and genuine loving kindness grows.
I’m not really sure that I know the answer to this. But I do think that perhaps this mindfulness I am having now is a good place to start. At least now I can see these disturbing emotions are present.
I don’t need to control them or push them away. I need to accept them and view them in my meditation.
I see this as a positive thing, and an opportunity for growth. I see it as a chance to let go.
If I am to see others without judgment, opinion or criticism, I must first see and accept the self in this way.
May each of you allow yourself the honesty, compassion and forgiveness you deserve.
This is the path to end your suffering.
May you be well, happy and peaceful.
