How good is my practice?

This has come into question recently, and due mostly to my own awareness of what feels like failure.
And please understand that this is me questioning my practice, no one else.

I have read and studied the dhamma so much, and meditate daily. I also attend weekly meditation at least once a week and sometimes twice. In addition, I write this Blog almost every day, and share what I am learning but also use this format as a study reference for myself.
In addition to all of that, I have attended numerous workshops on loving kindness (metta) and disturbing emotions.
So one would think, David must really be a great Buddhist and very evolved on his path. Some might even think I have gained a lot wisdom through my studies and research.

But as Bhante Sanyatha discussed in a recent dhamma talk, the books and cushions and meditation are not the reality. These are all very useful tools, but this life that we live every moment is truly the path (dhamma).
And in this truth, lies my dissatisfaction and frustration.

So I am asking myself, what good is meditation and reading if one does not walk the walk?
I have even questioned whether or not I should stop writing this Blog. Am I in fact being that disingenuous person that I have spoken about several times recently?
I suppose, if I could, I would go be a forest Monk for a while. Where I could be in solitude, and simply deal with the self. I could spend all of my time devoted to observing this rising and falling of thoughts, emotions, doubts and fears.
But again, this is not reality is it. This is “wishing” for a life that is different from what I have. And again I see that this only gives rise to more dukkha.
Perhaps I have dug so deeply that I unearthed some ugly truths about the self.
But now I have a choice to make. Keep digging and discovering the truth, or walk away and cover it back up.

For today, I see this realization as an opportunity. A gift that the Buddha’s teachings have offered me.
I see that self discovery, and the letting go of the self, will not be a walk in the park. I see that as much as we all wish to be happy, that there is also much work to be done and much of it means getting my hands dirty.

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step”
I accept the challenge, and humbly thank each of you for walking with me always as my friends and my teachers.
I also encourage you to question, critique and challenge me always. And I hope you can see that I am clearly the student and not anyone’s teacher.

Budu saranai
And may you be well, happy and peaceful.