Today I want to give myself a dhamma talk. I am not writing this for any other reason except to think my way through the current situation.
The current situation is that my beloved Sister-in-law died last night.
And all the talk in the World about impermanence seems to be of little comfort when we lose someone close to us. Any words from any person seem to offer little comfort. Feeling alone, isolated and abandoned, our suffering becomes the most personal thing a human being can feel.
I am actually happy for my Sister that she no longer suffers. And I do believe that, like all other living things, we do not simply have a beginning and an end. When the rain stops, the water is not gone, but becomes part of the life force of all other living things. As human beings, I believe we are no different. We were something before this existence, and we are something after this experience.
But this is just my way of thinking, not something I would expect anyone else to have faith or belief in.
Beyond all her gifts of love, wisdom, humor, flavor and color that my Sister-in-law brought to this Family and this World, even in her passing she gave me a gift. She exhibited such strength and acceptance even in her last hours. And her loving and compassionate heart showed through all the tubes and drugs that were keeping her body alive. Even now, I feel her presence as strongly as ever. Comforting her loved ones and friends. Sending a sense of peace amongst all these feelings of loss.
What an incredible, loving human being that I was so blessed to be able to call Sister. I love you Monica.
This morning, as I meditated especially for her, I could not help but see my own impermanence. I will die, and I know this is guaranteed. I realized that I would not want to see my loved ones sad for me. I would wish them to be happy for my passing along on my journey. If any of them are sad for me, they should realize how selfish this is. They are sad because they don’t have what they want. They don’t have me in their physical life any longer. I am gone, I am no longer suffering or sick. I have no more bills to worry about, no more emotional struggles, no more disturbing emotions. I am truly well, happy and at peace. Be happy for me, not sad for yourself. This is not about you, you still have a life. Enjoy every moment and share all that love that you have inside of you. And if in any way I am able to be aware of this, I will be so happy to know that you accept my passing with joy and love for one another.
No matter how difficult it may seem, I ask that you force a smile on your face. I hope you will try it right now, and see how it changes your feelings.
Don’t waste a precious moment being sad for me, life is obviously too short. And I promise I will smile with you.
May you be well, happy and peaceful.